Some Thoughts on Thirty

On my 30th birthday, in the Japanese Garden in Portland, OR.

On my 30th birthday, in the Japanese Garden in Portland, OR.

Well, it's been ages since I wrote in this blog - nearly a year. I actually went ahead and hid all of my old posts because I'm obsessive and there's nothing I love more than a fresh start. But I'm going to approach this blog a little differently this time around. I always have had in my head an idea of what I wanted this blog to be. As a manic perfectionist, I wanted it to be... well, perfect. Instead of being about my actual life, I wanted it to show the idealistic, stylized version of my life. #millenial

The thing is, most of my twenties can only be described as tumultuous. I was mostly broke and just scraping by, I struggled with depression (and self-medicated frequently), and I eventually wound up in an abusive relationship. It took me several years to undo the havoc I wreaked on myself during that period of time. I'd never want to repeat my early twenties, and I certainly didn't want to share the sad reality on the internet for family members, strangers, and randos from high school.

That's why turning thirty was such a strange experience. 

I'm usually not a huge fan of my own birthday. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to planning parties, and that increases exponentially when it's a party for myself. And of course, I don't think many people love the experience of getting older. By the time I turned 27, I had already begun to gloomily refer to myself as "almost 30" in the same tone people use to convey news like "It's official - I can't have children.

Even worse, it seemed like other people felt that it was an event to dread. I was pretty shocked at some of the aggressive comments I received. While the attitudes behind them weren't shocking - they were pretty typical "you're running out of time, tick tock" sort of stuff - I was definitely surprised by how forthright some people were about my rapidly declining social value. 

But by the time I woke up in Portland the morning of my birthday, I realized that not only was I not dreading turning thirty, I was looking forward to it. Like I said, there's nothing I love more than a nice blank slate. And that's what my thirties are, kind of. Except instead of kicking them off with a negative bank balance and a penchant for unhealthy relationships, I'm starting with a job I love, the happiest relationship of my life, and a nice middle finger to everyone who thinks I'm a useless old prune now. I'm trying not to swear on here but it's difficult and if you know me, you'll know that my sentiments are actually quite a bit stronger than that. 

All of this is to say that for the first time since I attempted to start a blog years ago, I actually have a life I'm proud to share. So I guess I'll go ahead and share it! It feels nice to create something that has nothing to do with work, and if I'm honest I miss the early days of blogging - where people just posted whatever they wanted without trying to monetize or drive traffic or get instafamous. 

So yeah, welcome. Hopefully I'll be able to get another post up before 2019.